They do not stand up to frustration and make the law at home. More and more children have tyrannical behaviors and put their parents to the end. How to pacify relationships at home? The answers of Professor Philippe Duverger, a child psychiatrist.
Often described as “dirty kid”, the bully child puts the nerves of his parents to the test. Intolerant with frustration, he decides everything up to resort to blackmail or violence to achieve his goal. The advice of tolerance and listening conveyed by psychiatrists in recent years, the abolition of spanking contributed to this rise of the phenomenon? In their book: “Who’s Ordering Here?” Advice to parents of bullies “, Prof. Marcel Rufo and Philippe Duverger, renowned child psychiatrists, present clinical cases that help to better understand what is behind these tyrannical behaviors. “We must first see these attitudes as a sign of distress,” says Professor Philippe Duverger, head of the child psychiatry department at the Necker-Enfants Malades Hospital. It’s not a choice, it’s because he’s lost, the parents want to do too well, and they’re afraid to disappoint their child. ” How to instill in your child the values of obedience and respect for adults?
To begin with, we must, first of all, make the parents feel guilty, according to Professor Philippe Duverger: “Let’s accept the idea of not being a perfect parent, warns the child psychiatrist. It is important for a child to be able to criticize his parents. is taken in a requirement of perfection, one loses in spontaneity It is not because one reaches a high degree of perfection that the child
To be too flexible on the rules of life
“Children today have more sources of enlightenment than in the past,” says the child psychiatrist. “The parents give them a lot of things, so it’s harder for them to accept frustration.” When parents realize that it is necessary to impose new rules to restore some order, it is the drama. “If all of a sudden, the parent says” it’s no longer possible “,” we stop “, it becomes unbearable for the child because at one point it was allowed and at a later stage it’s not anymore. ” Pr Philippe Duverger quotes the screens as an example. Travel by car, restaurant meal, doctor’s waiting room, parents use the tablet or smartphone to occupy their offspring. If one day the parent goes back on the pretext that the child spends too much time, the child does not understand anymore. “This incoherent message can make the child tyrannical, aggressive,” says the child psychiatrist, “and from there, when the parent tells him” stop “,” stop “, the child does not listen. is more audible to the child because it is worthless, and by his tyrannical behavior he shows that he is lost. ”
Let the child choose everything
Evening menu, TV program, clothes of the day, in the era of family democracy, the child gives his opinion and takes part in decisions. “Yes to the possibility of leaving him some choices,” says Professor Philippe Duverger, “we can question him, but in the end, he does not have the last word on certain fundamental things, such as schoolwork or leaving school. weekend.”
Use blackmail to obey
“If you tidy up your room, you can play on your cell phone”. This alternative only works in the very short term. Because once the child gets something, he will insist on having it again. “The day the parent no longer wants to use this pressure tactic is incomprehensible to the child,” says the child psychiatrist, “it’s as if you’ve tasted a beautiful cake and then you’re not had more right. ”
Add “my little darling” to all the sentences
“Stop doing this, my little darling”: this sign of tenderness that parents tend to add at the end of the sentences they address to their cherub is to be forgotten when it is necessary to show authority. “For the child, it is a paradoxical message that he has great difficulty in decrypting, warns Professor Philippe Duverger.” The child hears: “if I am your little darling, you love me and you accept everything, otherwise you do not love me “. We are in a bond of seduction and not of authority.
Argue each time you impose a rule
Some parents feel compelled to spend time justifying each limit given to the child. “The parent should not be justified, but explain, says Pr Philippe Duverger Some parents are afraid that by saying no, their child no longer loves them
Seeking at all costs to appease him in case of crisis
When the child “has a crisis,” parents are tempted to intervene. Objective: to calm him quickly, to try to appease his cries and sobs, even to let go of the ballast. “The crisis is part of life, says the child psychiatrist. It is even from some crises that we can grow. It should not seek to prevent them at all costs.” Parents to keep a cool head and explain: “It’s like that”.
Too much reliance on positive education textbooks
“Parents are not psychologists, they are parents,” warns Professor Duverger. “When you want to be positive, do the best you can, you forget to be a spontaneous parent. One reacts more to instructions or to a method than to a logic of common sense. The child does not need to spend his time taking back with him what has happened to show him that it is positive. It is better for him to live it spontaneously and discover it by himself. “Of course, there is no question of going to the other extreme, violence, which is equally harmful.
Want to manage everything without relying on grandparents
“Grandparents have a role to play in the education of children,” says Pr Philippe Duverger. The specialist deplores that with the scattering of families, the transmission is no longer between generations. “It is important for the child to understand the world he is in. It is not a question of explaining everything but of transmitting.” With the grandparents, the child learns that there are traditions, cultures In our society, we communicate more and more, we transmit less and less. If he does not have the codes, he reacts under the influence of emotion: everything, everything from next and now. ”